I'm not perky. That may not be a shock to you. I have a dark sense of humor. My wit can sometimes be edgy. My wardrobe is 98% black, and I do get excited, but you may not be able to tell. Those are just the positive bits of my personality. Even worse, this is the last day of Happiness Happens month and it went unnoticed.
I haven't always known that I wasn't perky. In college a few of us decided we were tired of the rules and hypocrisy in our Catholic dormitory and rented a large five-bedroom apartment. This was an amazing time for us all. Those roommates remain dear friends today. We had an extra room and decided to rent it. We gave it to the first person that came along.
Her name was Desiree. How do I describe Desiree? She was the tooth fairy, tinker bell, and a smidgen of Mr. Rogers rolled into one big pink lace ball of Glenda the good witch. She wore roller skates and cracked bubble gum. Worse, she was perky. She rose early singing and giggled her way through every second of the day. I once teased her by telling her she could have been hit by a bus and she would have gotten up, skipped to the bus door, and thank the driver for reminding her to be more careful. She might even had paid him to fix the dent in the bus. You get my drift. After nearly 25 years Desiree and I remain friends and she is still perky and I still roll my eyes at her perpetual excitement.
I studied Desiree’s behavior. How could she be happy for no reason? She taught me that I wasn't perky but also that I wasn’t unhappy, but could experience more happiness. She taught me about a practice. The practice of being happy. I learned that this practice involved letting go of attachments in this life. Our attachments are a feeling that binds one to a person, thing, cause, or ideal no matter how destructive they are to ourselves and our relationships. Aristotle said: "Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence." I believe this. One of my Facebook friends posted a beautiful photo and quote from the American spiritual teacher and author Ram Dass. It reads "our journey is about being more deeply involved in life yet less attached to it.” Again, "our journey is about being more deeply involved in life yet less attached to it." His holiness the Dali llama writes, “Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.” How might we practice being deeply involved in life while minding our attachments?
If there’s one thing we all have in common it’s that we want to feel happy; and on the other side of that coin, we want to avoid hurting. Yet we consistently put ourselves in situations that set us up for pain. We pin our happiness to people, circumstances, and things and hold onto them for dear life. We stress about the possibility of losing them when something seems amiss. Then we melt into grief when something changes — a layoff, a breakup, a change. We attach to feelings as if they define us, and ironically, not just positive ones. If you’ve wallowed in regret or disappointment for years, it can seem safe and even comforting to suffer. In trying to hold on to what’s familiar, we limit our ability to experience joy in the present.
A moment can’t possibly radiate fully when you’re suffocating it in fear. When you stop trying to grasp, own, and control the world around you, you give it the freedom to fulfill you without the power to destroy you. That’s why letting go is so important: letting go is letting happiness in. It’s no simple undertaking to let go of attachment — not a one-time decision. Instead, it’s a day-to-day, moment-to-moment practice that involves changing the way you experience and interact with everything you instinctively want to grasp. It’s the practice that Desiree taught me.
What is involved in the practice of letting go of our attachments? How do we experience life without attachments? How to we let go of our attachments to people, feelings, our past, and results we believe we can control? The Zen tradition tells us:
Accept the moment for what it is. Don’t try to turn it into yesterday; that moment’s gone. Don’t plot about how you can make the moment last forever. Just seep into the moment and enjoy it because it will eventually pass. Nothing is permanent. Fighting that reality will only cause you pain.
Believe now is enough. It’s true — tomorrow may not look the same as today, no matter how much you try to control it. A relationship might end. You might have to move. You’ll deal with those moments when they come. All you need right now is to appreciate and enjoy what you have. It’s enough.
Call yourself out. Learn what it looks like to grasp at people, things, or circumstances so you can redirect your thoughts when they veer toward attachment. When you dwell on keeping, controlling, manipulating, or losing something instead of simply experiencing it.
Define yourself in fluid terms. We are all constantly evolving and growing. Define yourself in terms that can withstand change. Defining yourself by possessions, roles, and relationships breeds attachment because loss entails losing not just what you have, but also who you are.
Enjoy now fully. No matter how much time you have in an experience or with someone you love, it will never feel like enough. So don’t think about it in terms of quantity — aim for quality, instead. Attach to the idea of living well moment-to-moment. That’s an attachment that can do you no harm.
Friend yourself. It will be harder to let people go when necessary if you depend on them for your sense of worth. Believe you’re worthy whether someone else tells you or not. This way, you relate to people — not just how they make you feel about yourself.
Go it alone sometimes. Take time to foster your own interests, ones that nothing and no one can take away. Don’t let them hinge on anyone or anything other than your values and passion.
Hold lightly. This one isn’t just about releasing attachments — it’s also about maintaining healthy relationships. Contrary to romantic notions, you are not someone’s other half. You’re separate and whole. You can still hold someone to close to your heart; just remember, if you squeeze too tightly, you’ll both be suffocated.
Interact with lots of people. If you limit yourself to one or two relationships they will seem like your lifelines. Everyone needs people, and there are billions on the planet. Stay open to new connections. Accept the possibility your future involves a lot of love whether you cling to a select few people or not.
Justify less. I can’t let him go — I’ll be miserable without him. I’d die if I lost her — she’s all that I have. These thoughts reinforce beliefs that are not fact, even if they feel like it. The only way to let go and feel less pain is to believe you’re strong enough to carry on if and when things change.
Know you can’t change the past. Even if you think about over and over again. Even if you punish yourself. Even if you refuse to accept it. It’s done. The only way to relieve your pain about what happened is to give yourself relief. No one and nothing else can create peace in your head for you.
Love instead of fearing. When you hold onto the past, it often has to do with fear: fear you messed up your chance at happiness, or fear you’ll never know such happiness again. Focus on what you love and you’ll create happiness instead of worrying about it.
Make now count. Instead of thinking of what you did or didn’t do, the type of person you were or weren’t, do something worthwhile now. Be someone worthwhile now. Take a class. Join a group. Help someone who needs it. Make today so full and meaningful there’s no room to dwell on yesterday.
Narrate calmly. How we experience the world is largely a result of how we internalize it. Instead of telling yourself dramatic stories about the past — how hurt you were or how hard it was — challenge your emotions and focus on lessons learned. That’s all you really need from yesterday.
Open your mind. We often cling to things, situations or people because we’re comfortable with them. We know how they’ll make us feel, whether it’s happy or safe. Consider that new things, situations and people may affect you the same. The only way to find out is to let go of what’s come and gone.
Practice letting things be. That doesn’t mean you can’t actively work to create a different tomorrow. It just means you make peace with the moment as it is, without worrying that something’s wrong with you or your life, and then operate from a place of acceptance.
Question your attachment. If you’re attached to a specific outcome — a dream job, the perfect relationship — you may be indulging an illusion about some day when everything will be lined up for happiness. No moment will ever be worthier of your joy than now because that’s all there ever is.
Release the need to know. Life entails uncertainty, no matter how strong your intention. Obsessing about tomorrow wastes your life because there will always be a tomorrow on the horizon. There are no guarantees about how it will play out. Just know it hinges on how well you live today.
Serve your purpose now. You don’t need to have x-amount of money in the bank to live a meaningful life right now. Figure out what matters to you, and fill pockets of time indulging it. Audition for community theater. Volunteer with animals. Whatever you love, do it. Don’t wait — do it now.
Understand that pain is unavoidable. No matter how well you do everything on this list, or on your own short list for peace, you will lose things that matter and feel some level of pain. But it doesn’t have to be as bad as you think. As the saying goes, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
Fully embrace your happy moments — love with abandon; be so passionate it’s contagious. If a darker moment follows, remember: it will teach you something, and soon enough you’ll be in another happy moment to appreciate.
Early Unitarians, such as Henry David Thoreau, Margaret Fuller, and Ralph Waldo Emerson put an emphasis on individual experience, rather than appeal to scriptures or belief in miraculous events, as the basis for authority in spiritual matters. Freedom from attachments grounds us in our free and responsible search for truth and meaning. It is only through direct and immediate experience of reality that we are prepared for honest inquiry. As Unitarian Universalists we wish for a peaceful world. Our ultimate desire is to feel happy and peaceful. What we are learning is that as Unitarian Universalists striving to live our principles, thus our faith, we are required to practice letting go and being present. Our work is to experience, appreciate, enjoy, and let go to welcome another experience. To be happy for no reason.
It won’t always be easy. Sometimes you’ll feel compelled to attach yourself physically and emotionally to people and ideas — as if it gives you some sense of control or security. You may even strongly believe you’ll be happy if you struggle to hold onto what you have. That’s OK. It’s human nature. A colleague writes, “Perhaps the wisest words I found in my study of happiness come from our Unitarian Universalist poet laureate, May Sarton. "I've been thinking about happiness - how wrong it is to ever expect it to last or there to be a time of happiness. It's not that, it's a moment of happiness. Almost every day contains at least one moment of happiness." Just know you have the power to choose from moment to moment how you experience things you enjoy: with a sense of ownership, anxiety, and fear, or with a sense of freedom, peace and love. Unitarian Universalism promises us freedom. Let us not think of freedom so narrowly and apply it only to belief. The freedom our tradition affords is freedom that is turned toward ourselves. The freedom to be in the moment. The freedom to simply be.
May it be so.
Happy for No Reason, a sermon by the Rev. CJ McGregor at 1stUUPB on Aug 31, 2014.